I am physically incapable of becoming tan by the sun’s dumb rays. Has this stopped me from trying to tan every summer for the past 22 years? I’ll let you ask the nice police officer who pulled me over for speeding when I was a young lady of 17, driving back from the beach with my friend, Phoebe, (who for the record can tan like it’s her job and who I still resent for this skill). This officer is amongst the list of many folks who have accidentally seen my boobs for one reason or another—this time because I was so sunburned, not only could I not put a bra on, nothing could touch my back to the point where all I could wear was my lightest cardigan, worn backwards, with one button closed for modesty. (See flattering photo attached) I mean can you blame me? I was a pale, freckled child who turned into a pale, freckled teen, who morphed into (you guessed it) a pale, freckled adult amongst a sea of beautiful tan girls who, in my defense, really seemed to have their shit together.
The cool thing is that I eventually realized absolutely nobody has their shit together and also Isle of Paradise became a thing and saved me from my tanning woes (their best products are listed under the ‘Cult Faves’ bath/body tab). Shortly after that, Baja Bae arrived! The tan world was finally within my grasp and I was living for it. It took me a second to realize that the tanning gods were not smiling down upon me and sending me these products with a kiss from tan angels—what had actually happened was people finally got on board with SPF. So when I started blogging I read a lot about SPF. Then, finally, after 22 years of burning like a whore in church in the name of tanning I got the fuck on board with SPF.
I love true crime: reading about it, listening to all of the podcasts I can find (SSDGM), binge-watching forensic files, etc. I have a very strong stomach and it takes a lot to phase me. I wanted to mention that because now you have a baseline for the information I’m going to share: the things I read about not using anything to protect your skin made my skin crawl. It scared the shit out of me! Do you know how many skin disorders and types of cancers you can get from the sun’s rays?! So. Many. And because humans have basically finished the planet off, global-warming wise, the continuously depleting ozone layer has made the sun even harsher on our precious skin. I also learned that no matter how much retinol I slap on my face (which, by the way, should always be used with an SPF anyway) NOT wearing sunscreen rapidly increases the signs of aging. I personally cannot afford botox yet and I’m really scared of needles so SPF it is. I could rattle off a million reasons you’re probably aware of, but I’ll just say what we all know: SPF EVERY SINGLE DAY. Not only are there a ton of brands who have dedicated themselves to creating awesome SPF products for any and all skin-types, but there are so many options that compromise my “I want to be a hot tan girl” and “I want to protect my skin like it’s the Declaration of Independence” and Nick Cage is the sun’s rays.
I’ve been using only Drunk Elephant products on my face this month as part of a challenge to see how a brand holds up on its own (so far so great by the way). This is how I discovered my true love: Drunk Elephant D-Bronzi Anti-Pollution Sunshine Drops.
So this product is great for your skin. It contains peptides, which actually penetrate the first layer of our skin and send signals to let them know what our skin is lacking (more collagen, please). The Cocoa Extract in this little firecracker of a product are super high in Omega-6 fatty acids which soothe our skin. The thing is…that’s awesome…definitely a bonus…but I don’t really care because this product makes me look SO naturally tan and bronzed and happy—and it does so safely! I layer this over my Drunk Elephant Umbra Tinte every day before applying my makeup, then set with the Supergoop Defense spray (which I always carry a mini of with me like the precious treasure it is). WE ARE BRONZED. WE ARE TAN. WE ARE SAFE FROM THE SUN.
Another product I like to splurge on, especially in the beginning of summer, is a great, long-lasting lip balm. The two I’m carrying right now are the tried and true Dior Lip Glow (which is extremely moisturizing and adds a cute pop of color!) and La Mer’s ‘The Lip Balm’ which smells nice and is hydrating but is also $65 and every time I use it I think about how many lotto scratchers I could have bought with that money and get sad because I could have potentially become a millionaire so I resent this one. The reason I did splurge, though, is because as the seasons change and my lovely allergies come out to play, my lips do this awesome fun thing where they either get super dry and crack at the sides so I’m rocking a joker-esque smile for a few weeks, or they start peeling because apparently my lips do not understand climate change. I also get genuinely upset when my lips are dry and always need to have a lip balm with me. I hoard them. When I’m in the middle of throwing a temper tantrum my extremely patient boyfriend straight up knows to ask me if I’m wearing lip balm. It usually solves the problem. I know! I also can’t believe you’re reading this and taking advice from an adult who says not “if” but “when” in reference to throwing a temper tantrum but I love you and I love it so much!!
I’d like to finish this post off with a little “what’s in my (super cute) Lisa Says Gah bag” at the moment. I don’t like that the “what’s in my bag” tradition has died out so I’ve decided to stay in denial.
(P.S. I tried to link the bag but it is unfortunately sold out at this time)
Caudalie Beauty Elixir — She is beauty. She is grace. She is the Caudalie Beauty Elixir mist. I carry this baby with me always and forever. We love dewy skin and this is the way to get it, baby!
Quay Australia Sunnies in BLK/SMK — Love these. They cover a huge portion of my face so I always look properly bitchy when I wear them and they’re durable as fuck. VERY important when you’re as reckless with your sunnies as I am.
D-Bronzi Anti-Pollution Sunshine Drops — I mean I’ve said all I can say about these sweet baby angels. If I were on a stock trading floor right now I’d be yelling “BUY BUY BUY” or whatever I obviously do not know how stock is traded and why all of those old white men are always screaming.
Touchland Power Mist in Vanilla Cinnamon — I love these hand sanitizers. There’s no alcoholic smell to make your hangover worse I mean to dry out your hands. It’s also super moisturizing and works as a great substitute when you forget your perfume! Learned that one the hard way…
Dior Lip Glow — I invite you to re-read my words on the D-Bronzi.
Drunk Elephant Umbra Tinte Physical Daily Defense SPF 30 — Take my advice and just grab this one. Not only is it an excellent sunscreen product—it will fulfill your “hot tan girl” dreams. (@ already tan girls: this is a nice sunscreen. I resent you and your hotness. Just kidding kind of)
La Mer ‘The Lip Balm’ — TBH pass. It smells really nice. It’s pretty hydrating. It will not solve world hunger or sing you to sleep like a $65 lip balm should.
Supergoop Defense Refresh Setting Mist — Buy a big one. Buy a little one. Buy stock in the company. This will not let you down. Just for the love of god close your eyes before you spray.
Chanel Le Creme Main Texture Riche — This is a purchase I made after having a fun little breakdown at the mall! I do not do well in malls. Is that a city girl thing? Lemme know. Anyway, it looks good in photos and is a $50 hand cream. If you also have a breakdown in a mall and decide to go for it make sure you get the *riche* texture, not the original. It’s the tiniest bit a little more bang for your buck.
If you’re still reading: thank you for sticking around. You’re so lovely. You’re so much hotter than all of those other losers who dipped as soon as they saw my sunburned back. As always, thoughts, comments, questions, suggestions, recipes, venmo transactions, etc. are always welcome. Love you! Mean it!